I want to quit. It would be easy to quit right now. I’ve dug a hole and I’m curled up in the fetal position in said hole. It’s bad, people, it’s really bad.
I might as well just come out and tell you the whole story. You all know I’ve been taking some time off this month to regroup. Here’s what I haven’t told you… Wait! I’m not ready yet. I only confessed to my family and trainer a couple of weeks ago. Let’s talk about other things and come back to this later.
You know how there are emotional cycles in weight loss and dieting? It goes something like this:
- Excited and ready to begin.
- Just started and doing okay.
- Getting sick of diet.
- Quit diet and begin getting depressed.
- Death.
I’m at number 5. I’m at the point where you say, “That’s right, world! I’m fat! (Crackling sound of bag of chips being opened.) Get the hell over it! I’m mmmover mmmit! (This last part is muffled by a spoonful of ice cream being inserted into mouth.)
The truth is, I’ve been in this dark place for some time, but I didn’t want to tell you because I have a deep irrational need for you to love me. And not just you – I need EVERYONE to love me. (Ask me how well this is working out!)
Here’s the scoop: I’ve fudged a bit on my weight loss numbers and I need to come clean.
It happened so subtly. First, I didn’t want to tell my trainer that I’ve never really been able to control my food intake, because I want to be the kind of person who can! I didn’t want to tell my family I wasn’t losing weight, because their approval means so much to me! This is not healthy. It’s also not like me. I’m really a very honest person when it comes to anything except food. And when it comes to food, I’m a big fat liar. Ask me who ate all those doughnuts, I’ll (with a straight face) tell you it was a burglar. Where are the leftovers from last night? They smelled funny so I threw them out. How much do I weigh? Crap. Now we’ve come down to it… Wait, I’m still not ready yet!
It seemed so simple. Okay, so I didn’t lose weight this week. I’ll just post (and tell everyone) that I lost one pound and then I’ll make it up next week. That’s not so bad, right? Right?
Wrong. It’s not okay. And like any other little lie, it snowballs into a big one. Yeah, I haven’t lost weight in awhile. But it’s not like I haven’t been trying. I wake up every day with the best of intentions, but by lunch I’m fighting the same battles I’ve been fighting for years. The spirit is willing but the flesh is weak.
Last week I decided to quit ‘See Sara Shrink’. Frankly it’s easier to admit defeat and close this chapter of my life than to confess my sins and keep on going. But, like I tell my kids, the easy way is almost never the right one. You must understand that I’ve been hiding my weight loss lie for a couple of months. Anyone who knows me knows that I’m not a secretive person and this has been eating me up. Until I got up the nerve to tell my family, I was having full on panic attacks in the middle of the night and would go on crying jags that would last hours. I kept trying to fix it myself: I’ll just do another cleanse and that will even me back out, or I’ll starve for a few days to catch up. I guess you know how well that plan turned out.
So here goes… 240. I’m at 240 pounds. I feel like such a loser right now. I’m so sorry I wasn’t honest with you. Please forgive me. I just wanted to be who I said I was so badly, that I rationalized the deception. That’s not okay.
But, now that that is over. I’m not quitting. I’ve wanted to share a true weight loss journey from the beginning – not that crap you see on TV – but the real deal. Well, this is it. This is the real thing. Playing games with yourself and hiding ARE a real part of this struggle. I’m committed to being real with you throughout the See Sara Shrink journey, no matter how hard it is for me. If I can figure this thing out, I know you can. And we can help each other be healthier and happier.
I’m still going to be a little MIA for the rest of January. I’ll be taking some time to rework the website and find some new help. (I need a therapist NOW.) I hope you’ll continue to follow my saga. It’s a longer journey than I could have ever imagined. I NEVER would have started this whole thing if I had know how hard it would actually be to lose 100 pounds, but now that I’m here I might as well quit crying and get back to it.
Does crying burn calories?
Hey, look, it’s getting a little lighter in here!
Hi y’all! I’m a deep-fried Southern girl, born and raised in North Carolina. I’ve recently relocated to Boulder, Colorado and I am determined to adopt the healthy lifestyle of the people around me! It’s time for a real shift in my lifestyle – a paradigm shift that will create new habits and result in a thinner, happier, and hopefully better, Sara. A Sara 100 pounds lighter than I was when I started! Hope you decide to come along for the ride.
You are so brave and you are not alone in this! I just sent you an email. I look forward to following you on your continued journey!
Stephanie
You are telling the same story that I have lived before. I appreciate your honesty. You are not alone. But you have accomplished a GREAT weight loss!!! Keep focus on what you have done and what you will continue to do. Keep fighting the good fight!
Sara, I completely understand, and I’ve recently been to where you’re at now. Here’s my post: http://www.whoatemyblog.com/2009/12/what-is-wrong-with-me.html
YOU ARE NOT ALONE! I’ll say it again: YOU ARE NOT ALONE!
When I run into tough times, I get depressed and quiet. Recently, I quit blogging for 6 weeks, but I finally realized that I’m human, and humans make mistakes. Also, I know I’ll make mistakes in the future, and I’m okay with that. I’ll do the best I can, and work at it one day at a time.
I picked up a good book recently that might help you out. It’s “The End of Overeating” by David Kessler, MD. Check it out.
Please cheer up Sara. For what it’s worth, I forgive you. Now you must forgive yourself and move on.
Good luck with it! I completely understand the feeling of, “So what if I’m chubby?” Part of me always knows I can do something about it, and another part is a lazy bum about it all. I didn’t work out the past 2 days and now I physically feel like crap. I ate pizza last night and felt sick from it. We shouldn’t quit when we’ve already made progress and have learned how to do things right. It’s ok to mess up sometimes though, as long as we learn from it and keep trying.
I am so proud of you for being so honest. Keep going, Sara – you are a bright light in the world, a great role model and so NOT alone. As any of us who’ve struggled with weight know only too well, it isn’t easy. I really appreciate your humor & your commitment to yourself. Just keep swimming, Dori…
Sara, I love you so very much. I know things are going to be just fine. We are all here to support you and you mistake that for us all being here because our lives depend on it. We follow you because we are happy and excited for you. The ups and downs are expected! We (the readers) are just here to support you, get some tips, follow your partners and read some really great and funny blogs!! I love your blogs! Please don’t give up!!! You are the voice of all us chubby bunnies! I love going to your partner’s sites and I really enjoy hearing about how different things help in different ways, like massage and hypnotherapy. I can’t wait to try them!! Please don’t give up! I would miss following you! It’s one thing to read a blog and it’s another to read your funny and clever blogs! You should be a writer!
Your friend, Kiki
It’s difficult. It’s something that we don’t want to face. It’s something that is so obvious and out there for everyone to see but it is very lonely as well. Draw from us. This community is singing the same song. We’re probably the only ones that know and have been in this situation. Your postings helps so many of us. You’re going to make it. Keep on Keeping on.
Most importantly be nice to Sara. You’re making a new step so cheers to those efforts.
Sara, Did you know that when I see you I only see beauty? The very first thing that struck me about you was how pretty you are. As if fudging the numbers is your original crime – ha! I tell everyone how much I really weigh – (today 224) and you know what I have learned, as soon as I do everyone starts revising their weight number. And I mean everyone – from the size 4s to the size 34s. So sad that we feel compelled to fudge our numbers – because it is that behavior that leads to shame – no the actual number!
You are loved – and certainly not alone. And now that I know you weigh 240 – I am still thinking – wow, she is really pretty.
C
Honey, if it were easy, it wouldn’t be a whole lifestyle change. You know we love you and are here if you ever need anything…besides a giant glass of wine! Please look at the progress you’ve already made before you punish yourself for the mistakes. You’re human. What’s great about you is that you’re a DECENT and GOOD human. You can’t lie…for long.
And, you know you can do better. Just don’t beat yourself up right now. Be gentle and move on.
My Dearest Sara,
Nobody thinks you’re a big fat liar. We ALL lie about our weight, no matter how much we weigh. Ask me today and I will tell you I’m at 199. Really I’m at 214.6….I haven’t seen you in a while, so you have no idea how chubby I’ve gotten. I admire your honesty. Please don’t give up. This is a journey. We’re on it with you! Winter tends to bring on the blues, so hang in there, spring is just around the corner.
Hi Sara fans!
Thanks to all of you soooo much for supporting her.
I’m Sara’s sister (and publicist), and this ‘bad, dark place’ is what the journey is all about. We all see enough examples of perfect weight loss scenarios by people who are in unique situations on TV, but this is REALITY. This is the battle everyone who is significantly overweight has to get up and fight everyday. That is exactly why I begged her not to quit.
After Sara ‘fessed up’ (as we say in the South), we considered all her options and this one was labeled the DELTA OPTION… A sort of red button that once pushed could not be retracted. She was so afraid if she shared her deception with the whole world everyone would beat up on her. I’m thrilled to see that her worst fears aren’t playing out.
I hope that Sara sharing stories and dealing with the deep inner work of finding wellness inspires you all.
Shrink on, sista!
Trish
Sara,
It takes a lot of courage and strength of character to come clean, especially to the somewhat anonymous world of the interwebs. As you said, it would be so easy to just close up shop, disappear, and be done with it. Yet, you tookthe higher road. The road of being honest not only with us, but with yourself which is far more important! I’ll still be here when you get back.
Melissa
Hi Sara,
I lied about my food intake recently — we all do it.
I’d been having digestive issues, which are caused by eating too many sweets. And when I went to see my accupuncturist and she asked what I’d been eating I told her “the usual, and a bit of marzipan.”
I was too embarrassed to tell her about the other choccies and sweets.
It’d been a difficult week emotionally and so I’d used the sweets as a way to feel better about stuff. You see, I was feeling stuck and kinda unhappy, and uncertain about my life choices.
Sugar of course stimulates the brain in a way that temporarily makes us feel good, so it’s easy to use it as a drug-of-choice. I’d just like to be able to use it in moderation, especially when I’m down emotionally.
Usually I can by talking to myself and engaging that part of me which reaches for the sweets, asking questions like, “What’s going on? What’s wrong? You’re obviously not feeling good, why not?”
Often it works and sweet-eater me responds with tears of frustration or sadness or a big tantrum that releases pent up or stuck energy.
Releasing the emotions rather than stuffing them down with food is the most loving thing I’ve learned to do for myself.
And I have to admit, though this technieque works for me most of the time, there are times when it doesn’t work — like last week when I ate the sweets anyway and then lied about it.
Working with a therapist at this stage will be a powerful next step in your weight-loss journey — a loving and healthy next step.
Wishing you well, Sara,
Louise
Hi Sara, I just found your site and am reading with interest. I’m also from the carolinas (SC) and moved out to CO and am working on losing weight which makes it easy to relate. Anyway, all that aside getting to that quitting point and then moving forward again is a great step. Losing weight is not a short-term thing and there will be a lot of roadblocks. Just push through them and you’ll make it where you want to be.
Since you’re in Boulder my suggestion is hiking, I’d say that’s really the thing that has kept me successful (I’ve been going for over a year now myself).
Good luck, Matt
Dear Sara,
Don’t give up because each day is a brand new day and a brand new beginning. His mercies are new every morning. You are touching the lives of so many people with your honesty and that is the first step to a new beginning. I know you will find your way with this. You have a very supportive family and friends and we are pulling for you. Please be encouraged to keep on keeping on and don’t give up. It will happen for you!
I am sooo with you on this one (even down to the actual weight)!
OK, see, I just lied — I weigh 5 pounds more than you.
It is phenominally difficult to lose weight — even my doctor said so. Yes, there are people (I watch them every Monday on the Today show with their old “fat pants”) for whom things finally click. We just haven’t clicked yet.
OK, you’ve inspired me. Now I’ve gotta write the same thing on my blog.
Hey Sara,
I just came across your blog today from your twitter site… and I’m so glad I did! I totally admire your honesty and courage and HUMOR here
I’ve been lying/denying my loss of control lately too & just avoided blogging cuz i didnt want to fess up. But after reading this entry, I realize that ITS OKAY to slip! We all do it. I feel like everyone will hate me for slipping, but do I hate you for slipping? No, I totally want to encourage you to get back up & tell you its not too late to turn back, etc. So thank you for this entry and I’ll def be following you here through your ups and downs 